apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wish life had little blips of pornography
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
