my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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