tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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