Well douche your snatch and let's go!
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
