I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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