We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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