The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
