Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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