I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You were trust falling into bushes
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
