I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
