I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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