I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
