worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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