I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
