Michael Bay diarrhea
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
