Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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