A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
