So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
