I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
