He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I had to cum in my sink.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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