There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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