Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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