he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
