How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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