Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
