You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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