i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize