My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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