Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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