woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
