I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just found a bag of teeth...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
They took my balls.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
