but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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