you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
