I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
