so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
