He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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