i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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