I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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