anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
