what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
