I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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