It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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