I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
