Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize