I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
God, I missed his penis.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
