if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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