the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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