Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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