He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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