I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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