I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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