I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
