she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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