Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
