If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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