can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I got inside last night via doggy door
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
