Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
