When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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