you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
