Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
