I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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