You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
