my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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