This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
