one two three fourrrrnication!
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
