I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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