you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
