just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
time to smoke my breakfast
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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