I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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