he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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