After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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