STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
