i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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