i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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