Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
